Teacher : “Did you practise this week?”
Pupil : “Yes, I practised in the shower this morning”
Teacher : “what’s a waltz?”
Pupil : “Is it a type of horse?”
Teacher, drawing a treble clef : “what’s this called?”
Pupil : “ A stove.”
Teacher, after listening to a duo play a piece : “Were you playing together?”
Pupil : “yes, a couple of years ago.”
Teacher : “What are these notes called?”
Pupil : “Crotchets and craters.”
Teacher, after playing a chord : “What chord was that?”
Pupil : “it was almost D major.”
Teacher : “what do we call these note values?”
Pupil : “courgettes and quavers”
Teacher : “what do we call this, when a string moves up and down?”
Pupil : “fried Bacon.”
Pupil : “my string has got off the guitar”
Pupil, (having been instructed to count-in a duet in duple time for her playing partner) :
“Can he count one, two? I don’t want to.”
Teacher : “what’s this sign at the start of the music called?”
Pupil 1 : “a triple crumpet.”
Pupil 2 : “ a double bag.”
Teacher : “what is the area of physics which concerns sound?”
Pupil : “what’s physics?”
Teacher : “ your Achilles heel is that you speed up; you’ve heard of Achilles?”
Pupil : “ yes, I’ve heard the song.”
Teacher, pointing to a pupil’s annular finger on their right hand : “what’s that finger called?”
Pupil : “ is it my appendix?”
Teacher : “what do 2 dots mean at the end of the piece?”
Pupil : “They mean play the line again backwards?”
Teacher : “this book was written back in 1992”
Pupil makes the observation : “I was dead then.”
Pupil : “I can’t count and play at the same time.”
Teacher : “now in this exam you will be required to do a few other things beside playing your pieces. Do you know what you have to do?
Pupil : “is it mind reading?”
Teacher : “you must play this piece like you are in love with it”
Female Pupil : “It’s okay, I can fake it”